Don’t hold back the river

The Past

To live overseas.

For a long infinite moment, I refused to be moved. I stayed in the same place, where the familiar features are both common and a comfort to me.

I remained by the shore for some time. Just testing the waters, feeling how it feels, seeing what it does. The waves rhythmically saying hi and goodbye to the shore, over and over, tireless and unwavering. I was satisfied with the predictability of the dry and wet sand. I was grateful for the free foot scrubs and the beauty of the pearly shells. I was contented with the breeze, while occasionally bathing under the scorching heat of the sun and genuinely smiling back to it. I stayed there, lying, getting tanned, doing almost nothing. The brightness gradually turned dim, and I cannot help but notice the mountains over the horizon. Past the vast sea waters, past the waves approaching, past the unknown shore, the greens were teasing me. An instant persistence of desire to reach it and to explore it with bare foot came unto me, like a new soul seeping into my veins.

And I knew, I cannot just see it. I need to touch it. I need to fully feel it. I need to experience it. And I cannot achieve it just by lying and sitting on the sand. I have to swim fearlessly into the deep. These thoughts rushing as the sun goes down. So as the moon goes up, slowly greeting the earth, surely creating waves and inexplicable motions in the seas, the waters inside me were then simultaneously moved. The tide continued to go high, so were my ambitions and dreams and desires.

The Now

Moving, within and beyond.

I succumbed to the calling. I am touching it all. I am feeling it all. I am experiencing it all. In the in-betweens, I remember my life before all these. Somehow when I think of it, it feels like I do not fit on it. Even questioning if it was really me in that memory.

It is puzzling to me how I had been in there. Or if I can be able to be in there again. Let me tell you a bit more of it: before I faithfully leaped and swam into this unknown – flying overseas to reach the mountains of higher studies and decided to taste the greener side of the other side – I did not know what to expect. But to be honest, I was not expecting anything at all. I did not expect to meet people deeply. I did not expect for a grand change within me. I did not even expect to like the deep meets and the grand change in me, immensely. It is ironic to actually be fond of something that you do not know even existed. And to be attached to it unexpectedly. Not to people, nor to places. But to the sense of Moving Forward – spiritually and professionally, physically and emotionally, mentally and socially.

I am here. Now. And I am addicted to its presence.

The Future

Doubts of unknown creeping.

I am afraid to take a step back to the frozen past that is waiting for me. I am scared that it may not recognize my present thoughts anymore. Even more scared of the possibility that it may not acknowledge that I changed, that I am no longer the person who once left it.

But the thing that I most scared of is falling back to my old self, saying yes to the things I do not agree with nor even fully understand, abiding by the laws and expectations other people had set for me, looking for approval for the actions conferred. I am afraid of going back for I am afraid of losing myself along with it. The possibility of my identity diminishing as I move an inch closer back to home.


Somehow, reality had struck.

Let me borrow these words from one of my favorite books written by one of my respected authors, Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho,

“I want to continue to be crazy; living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be.”

Yes, more than ever, I am crazy about life now. Happily dancing in the raw wildness of the wilderness. And I want to continue to be in this time capsule. But these past few days, as it turns into a yesterday, quickly passing, fast approaching my departure to home, my anxiousness buries me in the thought that this time capsule will be broken. And that the people back home will snatch the magic and freedom I possess now.

But I guess I am wrong. In my mind, it has already been decided that the world waiting for me will not understand me. The thing is, “that” world may or may not exist. And the problem is, I already judged it to be the former.

All the while, the one I am in battle with is myself. 


The Now will be our tomorrow.

One night of June, something happened. Amidst the confusion and complicated entanglement of The Now and The Future, a realization dawned. In the brief moments between the exchange of words, the thought “The Now will be our tomorrow” has come to me. I addressed it to a friend. Little did I know that I was addressing it to myself, too.

The way we think of our future now will surely affect The Future. Having doubts and fears does not positively contribute in moulding that happy place. So we must not plant a bad seed where the soil is healthy. And even more so, we must plant a good seed where the soil is unhealthy. What we think of ourselves, of others, of the situation will conspire the Universe to make it happen. So be careful of your thoughts for they are powerful. You will see, no matter, the waves will still come rushing. And the truth is, there is nothing you can do about it. It will water your seeds. It will make it grow. So let it be. Cease it. Grow, beautifully. Do not hold back the river. Do not attempt, because you cannot. Let it flow, let it grow.

This week’s guest writer is Katreena Pillejera – find more of her stuff here ~
Instagram: @loveafterlove_


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